What if I have no idea what I’m doing with my life?

Ever found yourself knee deep in a ted talk about how to find your purpose? How to find your passion? I spent the early years of my twenties in complete disarray struggling to figure out what on earth to do with my life. After COVID pulled on the hardest brakes- it felt like my ‘life plan’ crashed hard round a tight unexpected bend, spun before flipping off the edge of the cliff I’d spent my life climbing.

I grew up with a very average life, divorced parents, two bedrooms, two birthdays, two Christmases. Neither of whom had much money, and worked normal 9-5s. My Grandad had always practised my maths proficiency with me, it was my best subject, and from the age of high school, I was told by everyone around me to follow that skill. Be a woman in STEM! After tumultuous and traumatic teenage years, it was finally time to do my last exams, my A-Levels, before embarking on my adulthood and predetermined route of university. I had no idea what I wanted to do, the only answer I had was “work in fashion’.

Suits was a Lie

I was told as a great debater (arguer) I should do Law. So I watched Suits, OBSESSED and with a love for history I tried that. At the Cambridge University open day talk, the first line they said was “if you’re here because you watched Suits, that is not what law is”. I was conveniently sat in the back corner and dismissed myself immediately. No law? Got it, what now?

The more prominent shared opinion on my career prospects, landed me in Economics. I’d just like to paint a picture, a girl from Liverpool (with straight A's might I add), eyelashes, tan, my little tweed jacket and a bow in my hair, sat in a room of around 100 students invited to stay the weekend at Cambridge to experience what it would be like. No clubs, no shops, barely a city centre. When I sat in that lecture hall, unknowingly more interested in my outfit than the content, I realised very quickly, this wasn’t for me. Surrounded by students dreaming of being accountants, working in finance and being in the government. I felt like a flamingo in a chicken coop.

Ultimately, the rumour of “not being allowed a job whilst studying at Cambridge” was confirmed to be true so I couldn’t afford it. I retracted my application a week before the deadline, and switched to studying Maths and French at the University of Manchester. Now I was a flamingo in a room of pigeons. Still a bird, still could work, but still out of place.

Eventually, I dropped out. The following year, I tried again, finally free of the shackles of COVID rules, I got to experience life on a campus and in lecture halls studying International Business and French. Giving me a more well rounded degree, with the aim at this stage of working for Vogue (Fashion in one word, right?)

Uni is a Scam

Here I was less of a flamingo, more of a deflated question mark. I didn’t know myself, I was drained of happiness and I felt like everything I was doing was pointless. I could teach myself on YouTube, save myself from £50k of debt, living in squalor and being surrounded by borderline normalised alcoholics. That was my perspective on University, the dream I was sold was more my idea of hell, so I decided to call it quits and drop out AGAIN.

All of this, felt like I was no closer to finding WHAT I wanted to do. I knew for sure I didn’t want to do Law, Economics, or work in finance. Any healthcare work was never considered (I’m squeamish and not very empathetic). Strike off as well the sciences; no thanks. The only industry I liked the idea of was F-A-S-H-I-O-N. I didn’t even know what that meant. I thought maybe events, pr, marketing. All of these words I’d seen in films. After my 18 years of education, being encouraged in Maths, I wasn’t even aware of what was available in the creative industry.

Now as I write this, I do feel annoyed at the system for not promoting creativity and entertainment. I guess it’s the academic version of pretty privilege? I’ve never experienced the latter, but I was definitely a grateful recipient of academic/intelligence privilege. That weekend in Cambridge is a prime example. This cluelessness is what led me to be knee deep in a search history of ted talks, and podcasts from gurus on how to find your passion? How to find your purpose? And how to know what to do with your life?

Yet it was the advice of an unsung hero that led me to make some steps in the right direction (or any steps for that matter). One of my teachers, she deserves so much for her devotion to helping young people, and on a visit back to my school years later, after telling her about my 360º adventure, she told me…

“the only way you find what you want in life is by doing, so keep trying new things”

Looking back at this journey now, I can see that’s what I’d done all along: I tried law-no, I tried economics-no, I tried uni-twice-no- and no.

The £6k Pay Cut that Paid Off

I’d applied for 100s of random jobs, Ryanair, Unilever, Marketing internships, alllllll nos. One random day I applied for a job in fashion, I made a creative CV, honestly explained about dropping out of uni, having no experience, but a passion for fashion and the company I wanted to work for. I said I’d do ANYTHING. Packing boxes, taking photos, uploading to the website, emails. I. Did. Not. Care. I just needed experience, and wanted my foot in the door. I got the job.

I took a £6k pay cut, I had to work 2 jobs to pay my rent, but I LOVED it. Immediately it felt right. I’d found my flamboyance (I just learned a group of flamingoes is called a flamboyance). My teacher was right, in this job I was able to try loads of different roles and responsibilities, which helped me fine-tune my interest and be able to finally say “this is what I want to do with my time”. This may seem like a perfect fairytale story with a happy ending. If I stopped here- it would be.

This is not a Fairytale

But let’s not cut the story short. You see, I stayed in that job for just under 2 years and then I left. Creative differences. It gave me exactly what I’d intended to find; experience, belonging and direction. After my tenure there, I decided to work for myself as a creative. Which has sometimes brought me back to this question of “what am I doing with my life?”

So I asked my friends “do you ever feel it too?”, Yes.

Every single person I asked, close friend to acquaintance, all expressed they do not know what they are “doing with their life”. In working with big brands or corporations, it seems everyone is winging it. Taking it day by day.

That’s not to say don’t have goals, visions, plans- you can, and should- I do. But, there is a pressure when you enter adulthood, especially if you dream of ‘making it’. An intense pressure and confusion to “figure it all out”. In my 5 fresh years of being an adult, I’m glad I’ve realised sooner that it’s okay to feel lost- in fact it’s normal. Some say it’s what your twenties are for. I wish I’d been more prepared to expect these feelings, especially after leaving what I call the ‘tunnel of education’, (being that you are so sheltered and focused, in a routine with set goals and one vision of University- or at least that’s how my schools were).

It sometimes feels like you spend your entire upbringing climbing up a cliff, and once you get to the top, you’re told the only thing to do next is jump off and despite the clouds and lack of support, try and find your way back to where you started, or where you want to go. But you don’t know where you want to go? Exactly- because you won’t know until you try.

The truth is, no one has a clue. The only difference is some of us admit it. The rest just buy a suit and pretend. I didn’t find my purpose by planning. I found it by quitting. Again and again. Until something finally stuck.